Anyone who knows me knows that I am love music. When I was fresh out the hospital my parents said they put my crib in front of the stereo and I would sleep through the night with no problems. I guess you can say music is in me. Well I also love music for its lyrical content. I think like other forms of literary work music can speak to many peoples untold stories and experiences. I know I am not the only person who heard a song and felt like the artist snatched the words and feelings right out of you. Well I have these kinds of revalations quite often.
I was listening to Kirk Franklin's "Hero" cd the other day on my way to work, and I was listening to his single "Imagine Me" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jL6vw5xI0Bg)
and performing, no seriously I perform when I am in the car, and I began to deeply think about some of the lyrics of the song, "Imagine me loving what I see when the mirror looks at me." I thought how profound and powerful those few words were.
I then began to think about me. At twenty five...or a quarter century as I like to refer to it as, I thought about how I view myself and my own insecurities. Since elementary school I have had personal image issues. My weight would Yo-Yo and it really took a toll on me. I can remember shopping in the husky section of Sears with my grandmother and HATING IT! It really made me an introverted individual and like so many other kids all over America I was the butt of jokes from time to time. Then when I hit middle school as puberty started to run its course I began to slim out finally (Let the church say Amen)! Still thick but luckily moving more towards the slender side since I was shooting up and not spreading out. But the memories and emotional scars were still very fresh. As I began to come out of my shell and puberty was going strong again I began to yo-yo in my weight. Then I finally figured it all out in the 7th grade, "Stop eating dumb ass and you won't gain any weight!" Yes the kid had an eating disorder. I wouldn't eat for days. leading to going to the nurses office at least 4 times a week at school and being extremely fatigued. At the time my parents weren't really big on the whole family eating at at the kitchen table for meals thing, so my parents would go to the living room and I to my bedroom where I would dump my food in my garbage can, leaving a few bites on my plate for show and wait about 20 minutes and then go clean my plate off in the kitchen. I had it down to a science. The weight was coming off but I was still unhqappy. Well my father found out that I was not eating properly and wanted me to see a doctor to talk about it. I was not having that and reassured him that I just did not have an appetite and there was nothing to be worried about. Did I mention that I had been acting in theatrical productions since the second grade..Needless to say I dodged that bullet briefly. This behavior continued until the 8th grade until a female friend of mine was hospitalized for being "anabulemic," no I did not make that up she was both anorexic and bulemic. I saw what that did to her and I began to eat regulary, which was once a day for me. I never told anyone about my issues with food until now. I never really had a big appetite so eating was not a big thing for me.
As I matured into a teenager my body image issues progressed. In high school, I was as popular as you can get. Involved in every activity and friends with everyone. Everyone loved me, or so I thought. But then it happened. One week in May of my sophomore year I noticed that I was extremely tired and that my cloths were not fitting me like usual. I got excited thinking that I was just losing weight. But as the week progressed it worsened. I was never one to ask for help or want to go to the doctors so I kept it between me and God. But I confided in one of my closets friends that when I put my pants on in the morning they just fall to my ankles. She just said I was just probably losing weight which was a good thing. Well By Satuday morning I could hardly walk. My parents had to carry my to the car and rushed me to the hospital and thats when they gave me the news. I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabletes which ran in both sides of my family. With the new diagnosis once again my yo-yo weight issues returned with a vengence. It did not help that the majority of my friends were skinny (skinny bitches). So I backslided right back into not eating and now the weight just came off but it was because my body was literally eating itself. This continued until college. As I would lose weight I would get more and more attention. Even being approached by two modeling agencies. I was on cloud nine. But then it spiraled out of control. Due to me not taking care of myself for vanity I turned 20 in the hopsital. Literally for a year I could not eat. I would throw up, unintentionally, on average of 3-5 times daily. My meals consisted of saltine or oyster crackers, tea, and if I could stomach it Jello. I look back and realize what I had done to myself and my family and friends. How I embarrassed myself. Having my best friends have to call my RA in school to see if I was passed out in my room because they would not hear from me in days. Or having them have to call the local hospitals to see if I was admitted. Or passing out in front of the vending machine in the lobby of my dormitory and having people just think I was drunk. Or putting my mother, father, and the rest of my family through countless sleepless nights of worry. On the verge of a diabletic coma. All just to be skinny. At my lowest I stood 6 feet tall and 158 pounds, which on me looks like all types of crack/cocaine! It even got to the point that it was brought to the attention of one of my counselors on campus that I was bulemic and he immediately intervened due to his concern.
Luckily I got the picture and got tired of being hospitalized every two weeks and missing out on school and watching my school work suffer from my stupidity. I also got tired of people back at home and at school asking friends if I was doing drugs to get skinny. I changed my behaviors somewhat because I saw the bigger picture of my life. My eating habits are still to be desired but I am definitely taking much better care of myself. Not the best care but better.
Why the long blog you may ask? Well every now and then I return to the introverted kid and return to my old ways. I have reached a point in my life where physically I happy with how I look, I think. I mean I know I am an attractive individual but I find myself picking me apart superfluously. More importantly I mentor a 17 year old teenager who shares the same feelings of insecurity, member of the former thick boys club and now skinny but will do anything to keep it that way including not eating for days.
He has become such an important part of my life and I see so much of me in him that I don't want him to have to enter adulthood with the same feelings of insecurity that I did. At the same time I feel like a hypocrite. Telling him the proper steps to self empowerment and self esteem and at times not taking my own advice. I know I am a counselor and thats what I get paid to do but why can't I take my own advice at times. Feeling that I have to live up to these unrealistic standards that I have forced upon myself. To live up to this self imposed but socially accepted reputation of being this physically attractive, well dressed, well groomed, and fashionable man. But I know I am not the only one that is gong through such growing pains, even at my age and I know I won't be the last! Everyday it gets easier to love what I see when the mirror looks back at me, and believe me I have quite a few mirrors in my apartment, but everynow and then I wonder if only I could change this or change that I would be a perfect 10 instead of an 8.5!
Be Blessed
Jaret
I was listening to Kirk Franklin's "Hero" cd the other day on my way to work, and I was listening to his single "Imagine Me" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jL6vw5xI0Bg)
and performing, no seriously I perform when I am in the car, and I began to deeply think about some of the lyrics of the song, "Imagine me loving what I see when the mirror looks at me." I thought how profound and powerful those few words were.
I then began to think about me. At twenty five...or a quarter century as I like to refer to it as, I thought about how I view myself and my own insecurities. Since elementary school I have had personal image issues. My weight would Yo-Yo and it really took a toll on me. I can remember shopping in the husky section of Sears with my grandmother and HATING IT! It really made me an introverted individual and like so many other kids all over America I was the butt of jokes from time to time. Then when I hit middle school as puberty started to run its course I began to slim out finally (Let the church say Amen)! Still thick but luckily moving more towards the slender side since I was shooting up and not spreading out. But the memories and emotional scars were still very fresh. As I began to come out of my shell and puberty was going strong again I began to yo-yo in my weight. Then I finally figured it all out in the 7th grade, "Stop eating dumb ass and you won't gain any weight!" Yes the kid had an eating disorder. I wouldn't eat for days. leading to going to the nurses office at least 4 times a week at school and being extremely fatigued. At the time my parents weren't really big on the whole family eating at at the kitchen table for meals thing, so my parents would go to the living room and I to my bedroom where I would dump my food in my garbage can, leaving a few bites on my plate for show and wait about 20 minutes and then go clean my plate off in the kitchen. I had it down to a science. The weight was coming off but I was still unhqappy. Well my father found out that I was not eating properly and wanted me to see a doctor to talk about it. I was not having that and reassured him that I just did not have an appetite and there was nothing to be worried about. Did I mention that I had been acting in theatrical productions since the second grade..Needless to say I dodged that bullet briefly. This behavior continued until the 8th grade until a female friend of mine was hospitalized for being "anabulemic," no I did not make that up she was both anorexic and bulemic. I saw what that did to her and I began to eat regulary, which was once a day for me. I never told anyone about my issues with food until now. I never really had a big appetite so eating was not a big thing for me.
As I matured into a teenager my body image issues progressed. In high school, I was as popular as you can get. Involved in every activity and friends with everyone. Everyone loved me, or so I thought. But then it happened. One week in May of my sophomore year I noticed that I was extremely tired and that my cloths were not fitting me like usual. I got excited thinking that I was just losing weight. But as the week progressed it worsened. I was never one to ask for help or want to go to the doctors so I kept it between me and God. But I confided in one of my closets friends that when I put my pants on in the morning they just fall to my ankles. She just said I was just probably losing weight which was a good thing. Well By Satuday morning I could hardly walk. My parents had to carry my to the car and rushed me to the hospital and thats when they gave me the news. I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabletes which ran in both sides of my family. With the new diagnosis once again my yo-yo weight issues returned with a vengence. It did not help that the majority of my friends were skinny (skinny bitches). So I backslided right back into not eating and now the weight just came off but it was because my body was literally eating itself. This continued until college. As I would lose weight I would get more and more attention. Even being approached by two modeling agencies. I was on cloud nine. But then it spiraled out of control. Due to me not taking care of myself for vanity I turned 20 in the hopsital. Literally for a year I could not eat. I would throw up, unintentionally, on average of 3-5 times daily. My meals consisted of saltine or oyster crackers, tea, and if I could stomach it Jello. I look back and realize what I had done to myself and my family and friends. How I embarrassed myself. Having my best friends have to call my RA in school to see if I was passed out in my room because they would not hear from me in days. Or having them have to call the local hospitals to see if I was admitted. Or passing out in front of the vending machine in the lobby of my dormitory and having people just think I was drunk. Or putting my mother, father, and the rest of my family through countless sleepless nights of worry. On the verge of a diabletic coma. All just to be skinny. At my lowest I stood 6 feet tall and 158 pounds, which on me looks like all types of crack/cocaine! It even got to the point that it was brought to the attention of one of my counselors on campus that I was bulemic and he immediately intervened due to his concern.
Luckily I got the picture and got tired of being hospitalized every two weeks and missing out on school and watching my school work suffer from my stupidity. I also got tired of people back at home and at school asking friends if I was doing drugs to get skinny. I changed my behaviors somewhat because I saw the bigger picture of my life. My eating habits are still to be desired but I am definitely taking much better care of myself. Not the best care but better.
Why the long blog you may ask? Well every now and then I return to the introverted kid and return to my old ways. I have reached a point in my life where physically I happy with how I look, I think. I mean I know I am an attractive individual but I find myself picking me apart superfluously. More importantly I mentor a 17 year old teenager who shares the same feelings of insecurity, member of the former thick boys club and now skinny but will do anything to keep it that way including not eating for days.
He has become such an important part of my life and I see so much of me in him that I don't want him to have to enter adulthood with the same feelings of insecurity that I did. At the same time I feel like a hypocrite. Telling him the proper steps to self empowerment and self esteem and at times not taking my own advice. I know I am a counselor and thats what I get paid to do but why can't I take my own advice at times. Feeling that I have to live up to these unrealistic standards that I have forced upon myself. To live up to this self imposed but socially accepted reputation of being this physically attractive, well dressed, well groomed, and fashionable man. But I know I am not the only one that is gong through such growing pains, even at my age and I know I won't be the last! Everyday it gets easier to love what I see when the mirror looks back at me, and believe me I have quite a few mirrors in my apartment, but everynow and then I wonder if only I could change this or change that I would be a perfect 10 instead of an 8.5!Be Blessed
Jaret
1 comment:
James, you never cease to amaze me b/c you have a turbulent sea raging beneath the smiles. I have wondered (and still do) why you don't seek the counseling you distribute. you know how beneficial talking can be and I would think you'd have a standing appointment for mental health. No great battles were fought alone!
smooches,
Cherayla
PS your son still askin for his Daddy
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