Rest In Peace: James. E. Parker

Disclaimer: This is going to be a long one so get comfortable. I am actually writing this a day early because I don’t know if I am going to feel some kind of way tomorrow and won’t have the desire or opportunity to write.

Well today is an extremely crucial day for me. Today is my fathers’ birthday. For those of you who don’t know my father passed way on December 11th 2006. Today he would have been 69 years old, probably the favorite number for a Scorpio like him. Now I feel very …indifferent about how I feel about the passing of my father and the events involving my family surrounding it. My father was a diabetic who did not take complete care of himself, even with the constant pleading from my mother, other family members, doctors and me. My father was also had his foot amputated in 2005, a major obstacle for our family. Now when it comes to my family and close friends, whom I consider family, I am extremely protective and emotional. So any tragedy that they endure I endure as well. But I was there every step of the way. But when I look back at the tumultuous relationship my father and I had while I was growing up I have mixed feelings and emotions.


PAST:
Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my father. (I refuse to use past tense because I still do love him) It’s just that our relationship hadn’t always been as strong and consistent as it had grown to be. Being the youngest of my father’s children and him being in his forties when I was born, he was done raising KIDS and his dealings with me were more reflective of two adults rather than a father and son. My father did not come to my basketball games, track meets, baseball games, theatrical productions, choral concerts, or even my baptism. I resented my father for a good part of my adolescent years. I was lucky though, I had a father that was in home unlike many of my peers. I guess I should also be lucky because I am the only one of my father’s children who had him present, in home, for my entire life, which I will touch on in a little while. But on the other hand he was many times there physically and not mentally like I needed him to be. Plus with my father being ill by the time I hit the 6th grade I WAS an adult. My father would neglect to take proper care of his health, which ultimately caused his death. I can not count the number of times that I would come home from school and have to fix my father something to eat because he had not eaten or taken his medication all day. Or the number of times that I found my father almost comatose on the floor due to his glucose level dropping dangerously low. I basically had to man up and take care of him since my mother was the only source of income for our household, which meant that I did not have the same experiences that my peers did because I had far greater responsibilities that they had. This behavior continued throughout my life. Waking up in the middle of the night in high school because his blood sugar level had dropped because he hadn’t eaten and having to call the ambulance or even go to the hospital and then still go to school and function properly. It was really rough and it took its toll on me and how I viewed my father. It got so bad that I used to tell people that he was my stepfather and had them believing it to. He just made me so upset and at that time I could not understand why he was doing that to me and my mother. Years later my father confided in me that he was going through a depression because many of his friends were deceased and he was only one of a few left. Plus with society changing drastically from what he was used to he became very introverted and just stayed home, which annoyed the hell out of me. I never wanted to invite anyone over because my father would just be there all the time. My resentment grew for him as he distanced himself from me. Unlike many of my peers’ parents, my father would be absent from being involved in my extra curricular activities. Now for any one who knows me I don’t fancy sports too much, especially playing them. God only knows that if they hadn’t given me Health class twice that I would have failed gym. But I participated in them because I wanted my parents, two sports buffs to be proud of me and cheer me on like the parents I had seen on TV. But my fathers’ involvement never exceeded picking me up and dropping me off. Even they way he would talk to me would perplex the hell out of me. When I turned 16 he told me that whenever I got a job the he and my mother was not going to pick me off or drop me off and that if I wanted to work I had to get my own transportation to and from work. WOW! When it was time to apply for college my father told me that I did not have a choice and that I was going to college but I had to figure out a way to pay for it because he wasn’t! WOW! When I would practice at home for auditions he would come in my room and say, “I hope your not going to sing it like that!?,” (And for the record my range is sick!) or when I expressed interest in going to a performing arts school in New York he straight VETOED that 1! Needless to say he was cut-throat with me. I just became acclimated to him being present daily but as distant as a cousin you only saw once every 5 years. For years we went back and forth, always loving him but many times not liking him. By the time I was going to college I just figured that my father was set in his ways and would not change no matter how much I wanted him to and if I did not accept that then I would never have the relationship that I wanted to have with him. Going to college helped a lot. I missed him like crazy but relished in the fact that I was on my own. But while I was in college I still had to deal with going back and forth with my father. For starters on the 1st day of my life at the University of Connecticut my family dropped me off and threw up the deuce and kicked rocks back home, unlike the other parents who walked their children around campus and helped them buy their books. I mean granted I had been in academic programs at UCONN since my freshman year in high school and even the summer before I went to UCONN I still wanted them to experience that part of my life with me. Even when my health declined in school my father did not take the trip with my mother to come and check on me, but my grandparents did. Many times I was laid up in the hospital and wanted to see him and he just wasn’t there. Not to mention that he had only been to visit me in school 4 times in my four years. Day 1 of school, 2 additional brief, and I am talking about less than 30 minutes, and graduation day. After I finished college my fathers health continued to decline and he was even treated for depression but here is the kicker, my father was a behavioral health counselor for adolescents for years, so he knew all the information and strategies that they doctors was providing for him. Plus when given the opportunity and platform to showcase his intellectual superiority he shined, I guess that’s where I get that from. But still he would always return to his non-compliant ways of living. Now I must admit that once I was in college our relationship grew stronger and my father would often vocalize his pride in the man and individual I had become and was evolving into. I loved seeing his face light up when I would bring home A’s on papers that I had done, or hear his voice filled with happiness when he would tell me that he was proud of me and that he was happy of all my achievements. For many years I was scared to disclose anything to my parents, who had always said that I could bring them any issue and we would handle it as a family. But since our relationship was not always the best I decided to keep a lot to myself and just dealt with a lot internally. But it had gotten a lot better at that point and I was able to share so much more with him once I was out of the house. But post under grad when I returned home due to the failing health of my grandparents I saw my father slipping into the same patterns and now that I was grown I refused to enable his behaviors. I was tired of telling him to eat and him not eating, I was tired of telling him to take his medication and him not taking it, I was tired of spending late nights at the emergency room for the same thing, I was tired of knowing the doctors, nurses, and hospital staff on a first name basis. I was just tired! I then decided that I would distance myself from him that way when the inevitable happened I would not be as emotionally scarred. For the past two years my father was in and out of rehabilitation facilities, learning to use his prosthetic leg and getting his health together and I was wearing myself down and continued to alter my life to accommodate my father, and realized that I was doing exactly what I wanted him to do for me but he never did. Then at the end of last year it happened. My father once again did not eat or take his medication and he became ill. Instead of fighting with him to eat or go to the hospital I let him be sick. Finally after 3 days I called the ambulance and what I thought was going to be a routine hospital stay turned into my fathers last days in the land of the living. I knew something was wrong when I got a very unfamiliar call early in the morning from the doctor asking if I wanted to honor my fathers wished in his medical files to not resuscitate if something were to happen. I then got my mother together and went to the hospital and saw the state my father had put himself in. Almost non responsive and nothing like the man I knew and loved. While returning from test and being prepped for the evening my mother and I were asked to leave so that the hospital staff could prepare him. We went home and not 15 minutes after leaving and whispering in my fathers’ ear for him to keep fighting and I loved him I was informed that he had passed. That’s when I was reacquainted with my kitchen floor. Life as I knew it would never be the same.

Present:
The events surrounding my father’s death taught me a lot. It taught me that my friends are my world. When making the phone call to inform them my father had past, friends that were an hour away were there in the ICU with me in minutes, telling me that I would make it through. My friends shared my pain as they had grown to love my father as I loved him. My friends comforted my mother, who was holding me together. I, the individual who had been holding my family together, morally and financially, had reached my breaking point and wondered if I was going to end up in the basement of the hospital in the Psychiatric ward where I had visited my father on two occasions. It also taught me that although I had put so much emphasis on family in the past, I was putting them on a pedestal that, during the next week I would permanently remove them from. While going through this whirlwind, I had to pay for my father’s funeral arrangements out of pocket due to him not having an insurance policy, although I had stressed to him its importance. My own bothers declined to help, stating that since I reaped the benefits of living with my father and having him being a permanent figure in my life they did not feel responsible financially. Needless to say I have not spoken to four out of my five brothers since that day and have no intention on doing so for the remainder of my life. My friends once again stepped in and helped me financially for some of the expenses that I could not afford. They were there for me in ways I can not articulate. My father always said that I picked good friends and I must agree. I also learned that I am so much like my father that it’s scary. I never really though I looked like him until he passed and saw the physical similarities. I laugh like him, smile wide like him, have his deep baritone, I use his sayings all the time, I am outspoken like him, I am emotional like him, I am passionate like him, I adopted many of his philosophy’s, I dress like him, and even went into the same field as he did. I have not cried about my fathers’ death since the day he passed. At this point in my life I have lost so many people that I am all cried out. Now I press on and know that I have so many memories to look back on with him that were happy that I am proclaiming to not focus on the negative aspects of out relationship. When I decided to accept him and his way I decided to not hold that against him and move on. I feel fine and from time to time tear up because I miss him dearly but I know that one day I will see him again walking towards me with his deep hearty laugh and a blinding smile. But like my mother said I need to have my moments so I am just waiting here for it to hit me, I just hope that it doesn’t hit me when I am behind the wheel because lord only know my insurance is high enough.

Jaret

Gods Gifts

I was sitting in my office relaxing, waiting for a client to arrive, listening to a nice mixed cd with the contents of Chante Moore, Tamia, Mariah Carey, and various other artist, and responding to e mails when I began reading a book, I know should have been doing work right? But anyway I was reading this chapter when the main character was sent a very personal gift from his mother that made him reflect about his life and the people in it. Once again I drifted to think about my friends and what they mean to me. How literary works of art can take you there huh? I began to feel the emotion that they character was feeling. I was overcome by gratitude that God had put these people in my life for one reason or another. I began to think about if I did not have these people in my life would I be a different person? Would I have made it this far without their support and love? When I was growing up like every other kid I called everyone my "friend." Talking about using the term loosely! If we were in the same class you were my friend, if you took my bus you were my friend, if we sat next to each other at a picnic you were my friend, if you lived next door you were my friend. Boy was I wrong. My father would ask me all the time "Why is so and so your friend?" or "Jaret do you know what a friend is?" At that stage in my life I did not want to have to answer the Spanish inquisition. But he gave me one of the most important pieces of advice I have ever received. He told me that a friend has to prove themselves to you as you have to prove yourself to that individual. A friend is not just someone who you go to school with but someone who will be there for you without question. A friend is someone who will tell you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear. A friend is someone who always has your best interest at heart. Pops kicked knowledge! I have carried that philosophy, with some amendments I have personally learned along the way, throughout my 25 years on this earth. I am a firm believer that God puts people in our lives for specific reasons. Some for seasons and some for lifetimes, people that the wind blows into your life so that you can learn and grow from. As I look at the people that God has placed in my life, I am AMAZINGLY BLESSED! I have had to overcome great personal obstacles in order to be the man that writes these words. People have exited my life that I thought would be with me for life and some people have entered my life and I would have never thought they would even make my acquaintance. Now as an adult the term friend has such a deeper meaning for me. All of the individuals I consider my "friends," which are only a handful, are priceless gifts from God in my eyes. They have inspired me in ways that cannot be described with known words. My friends have been there for me when I was at my lowest giving me the unconditional love that at times my immediate family would not or could not provide. I consider these people my family and in actuality they are closer to me than many if not most of my relatives. I have always gone through life very guarded and sheltering many areas of my life in fear of being vulnerable but with the help and support of my friends I have become a more confident, outgoing, productive man. Not having to want to be accepted for materialistic reasons but being accepted for me, flaws and all. When I am moody, when I have an attitude, when I am happy, when I am going through, when I am feeling some type of way they are always there for me and I know I can count on them. No longer do I fear others are not reliable because these people have proven to me that I although I may be alone at times I am never alone because I have them. These people have been there through illness, hospital stays, nervous break downs, deaths, tragedy, catastrophe, let downs, accomplishments, and successes. So to my gifts I say I LOVE YOU! It's crazy, some people are taken aback when I tell my friends that I love them, like we are not old enough to do express how we feel about one another, we are adults people! But if they only knew what you mean to me and how you have been my motivation to press through life when I wanted to give up and you would not allow me to. So to you my friends I am forever indebted to you. Giselle, James, Shanika, Chelsea, Jamaine, Nickey, Trece, Sabina, Shaneka, Talisha, Aizy, Evaristo, John, Antwan, Kelene, Jillian, RaShaunda, Tyqua, and Shamel I Love you guys and Thank you! To those who I still consider to be my friends please do not feel some kind of way but there particular individuals are the epitome of what my father told me what a friend should be, no matter the distance between us you are my friends for a lifetime and not a season! My parents always said I picked good friends and I know they were absolutely correct and I thank God for you!

Jaret

Imagine Me

Anyone who knows me knows that I am love music. When I was fresh out the hospital my parents said they put my crib in front of the stereo and I would sleep through the night with no problems. I guess you can say music is in me. Well I also love music for its lyrical content. I think like other forms of literary work music can speak to many peoples untold stories and experiences. I know I am not the only person who heard a song and felt like the artist snatched the words and feelings right out of you. Well I have these kinds of revalations quite often.
I was listening to Kirk Franklin's "Hero" cd the other day on my way to work, and I was listening to his single "Imagine Me" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jL6vw5xI0Bg)
and performing, no seriously I perform when I am in the car, and I began to deeply think about some of the lyrics of the song, "Imagine me loving what I see when the mirror looks at me." I thought how profound and powerful those few words were.

I then began to think about me. At twenty five...or a quarter century as I like to refer to it as, I thought about how I view myself and my own insecurities. Since elementary school I have had personal image issues. My weight would Yo-Yo and it really took a toll on me. I can remember shopping in the husky section of Sears with my grandmother and HATING IT! It really made me an introverted individual and like so many other kids all over America I was the butt of jokes from time to time. Then when I hit middle school as puberty started to run its course I began to slim out finally (Let the church say Amen)! Still thick but luckily moving more towards the slender side since I was shooting up and not spreading out. But the memories and emotional scars were still very fresh. As I began to come out of my shell and puberty was going strong again I began to yo-yo in my weight. Then I finally figured it all out in the 7th grade, "Stop eating dumb ass and you won't gain any weight!" Yes the kid had an eating disorder. I wouldn't eat for days. leading to going to the nurses office at least 4 times a week at school and being extremely fatigued. At the time my parents weren't really big on the whole family eating at at the kitchen table for meals thing, so my parents would go to the living room and I to my bedroom where I would dump my food in my garbage can, leaving a few bites on my plate for show and wait about 20 minutes and then go clean my plate off in the kitchen. I had it down to a science. The weight was coming off but I was still unhqappy. Well my father found out that I was not eating properly and wanted me to see a doctor to talk about it. I was not having that and reassured him that I just did not have an appetite and there was nothing to be worried about. Did I mention that I had been acting in theatrical productions since the second grade..Needless to say I dodged that bullet briefly. This behavior continued until the 8th grade until a female friend of mine was hospitalized for being "anabulemic," no I did not make that up she was both anorexic and bulemic. I saw what that did to her and I began to eat regulary, which was once a day for me. I never told anyone about my issues with food until now. I never really had a big appetite so eating was not a big thing for me.

As I matured into a teenager my body image issues progressed. In high school, I was as popular as you can get. Involved in every activity and friends with everyone. Everyone loved me, or so I thought. But then it happened. One week in May of my sophomore year I noticed that I was extremely tired and that my cloths were not fitting me like usual. I got excited thinking that I was just losing weight. But as the week progressed it worsened. I was never one to ask for help or want to go to the doctors so I kept it between me and God. But I confided in one of my closets friends that when I put my pants on in the morning they just fall to my ankles. She just said I was just probably losing weight which was a good thing. Well By Satuday morning I could hardly walk. My parents had to carry my to the car and rushed me to the hospital and thats when they gave me the news. I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabletes which ran in both sides of my family. With the new diagnosis once again my yo-yo weight issues returned with a vengence. It did not help that the majority of my friends were skinny (skinny bitches). So I backslided right back into not eating and now the weight just came off but it was because my body was literally eating itself. This continued until college. As I would lose weight I would get more and more attention. Even being approached by two modeling agencies. I was on cloud nine. But then it spiraled out of control. Due to me not taking care of myself for vanity I turned 20 in the hopsital. Literally for a year I could not eat. I would throw up, unintentionally, on average of 3-5 times daily. My meals consisted of saltine or oyster crackers, tea, and if I could stomach it Jello. I look back and realize what I had done to myself and my family and friends. How I embarrassed myself. Having my best friends have to call my RA in school to see if I was passed out in my room because they would not hear from me in days. Or having them have to call the local hospitals to see if I was admitted. Or passing out in front of the vending machine in the lobby of my dormitory and having people just think I was drunk. Or putting my mother, father, and the rest of my family through countless sleepless nights of worry. On the verge of a diabletic coma. All just to be skinny. At my lowest I stood 6 feet tall and 158 pounds, which on me looks like all types of crack/cocaine! It even got to the point that it was brought to the attention of one of my counselors on campus that I was bulemic and he immediately intervened due to his concern.

Luckily I got the picture and got tired of being hospitalized every two weeks and missing out on school and watching my school work suffer from my stupidity. I also got tired of people back at home and at school asking friends if I was doing drugs to get skinny. I changed my behaviors somewhat because I saw the bigger picture of my life. My eating habits are still to be desired but I am definitely taking much better care of myself. Not the best care but better.

Why the long blog you may ask? Well every now and then I return to the introverted kid and return to my old ways. I have reached a point in my life where physically I happy with how I look, I think. I mean I know I am an attractive individual but I find myself picking me apart superfluously. More importantly I mentor a 17 year old teenager who shares the same feelings of insecurity, member of the former thick boys club and now skinny but will do anything to keep it that way including not eating for days. He has become such an important part of my life and I see so much of me in him that I don't want him to have to enter adulthood with the same feelings of insecurity that I did. At the same time I feel like a hypocrite. Telling him the proper steps to self empowerment and self esteem and at times not taking my own advice. I know I am a counselor and thats what I get paid to do but why can't I take my own advice at times. Feeling that I have to live up to these unrealistic standards that I have forced upon myself. To live up to this self imposed but socially accepted reputation of being this physically attractive, well dressed, well groomed, and fashionable man. But I know I am not the only one that is gong through such growing pains, even at my age and I know I won't be the last! Everyday it gets easier to love what I see when the mirror looks back at me, and believe me I have quite a few mirrors in my apartment, but everynow and then I wonder if only I could change this or change that I would be a perfect 10 instead of an 8.5!

Be Blessed

Jaret

Its Me Bitches!

Earlier this year I went on vacation to Florida and the Bahamas.....LOVED IT! But I digress, My eldest brother John posed a very appropriate, interesting yet simple question on the first day I got to Florida...Who the Hell are YOU?! At first I was taken aback by the question...what do you mean who am I. I am your baby brother Jaret....remember! I guess he noticed the questionable look on my face and further explained to me that in his eyes I was a totally differently person from the little kid he used to take swimming or the middle school preteen he took to CVS to get skin care products when puberty was rearing its ugly head or the high school teenager that was in every school activity possible or the collegiate man that had to take care of the family when no one else did while chasing the American Dream. That got me thinking about the evolution of self. Was I really THAT much different that my own brother had to question who I was? Was this a positive or negative thing? Well when I look back and think about it....certain bars from Jennifer Hudson's rendition of "I Am Changing" play in my head. Not to toot my own horn but TOOT TOOT! I have beat so many odds and pressed through so many situations and proved to the world and more importantly to myself that I am more than capable of overcoming any obstacle the God and life put in my path. So I thought to myself, why not disclose a little information to the blog world to allow them to get to know the makings of me.

I am the youngest of my fathers 7 known children, Pops was a Scorpio to the fullest. I am my mothers only child.....you guessed it...the Kid is spoiled and a Mama's Boy (I ain't no punk though). One of Ump-teen grandchildren..but I am always the favorite..Over achiever by nature..Extremely independent...Although I love myself I am learning everyday to love myself even more...Mask my insecurities with an extroverted and opulent personality.....Extreme evil streak....Unstoppable....Loved but never been in love (more like enamored)....Loves to help people...Smart (At least I think so)....emotionally wounded (no self pity)....A little hood and a little bourgeoisie....Literally been an adult since the 6th grade....Will fight to the death for my loved ones...The list goes on. As I embark on this journey you (the reader) and I will learn more about me. I will try to be as honest and open as I know how. I also plan to be touch on the above stated characteristics and events pertaining to me and many more subjects that answer that question my brother asked me.....Just Who the Hell am I?!

Breaking through the Hymen

Never say Never! I said I would never get a myspace page...broke down and got one. Never thought I would start a blog and now look at me! I like reading them but never thought I would actually contemplate sharing my inner most thoughts and views with the free world but here I am. As I reached my Quarter Century mark earlier this year I reflected on how I got to this point in my life and the direction it was going in. I reallized that there were so many experiences, events, relationships, obstacles, and people that have influenced who I am and as I embark on the next phase in my life I wanted to document and share with other individuals, my experiences and viewpoint. I tried the journal thing but was not consistant so I figured this is the next big thing. So I am going to see what the hype is about and hopefully gain a new appreciaton for the blogworld! Fasten your seatbelts and open your mind...this will definitely be an experience!